Clarity

Clarity

by Kimmie Lay

Distraction.

Escaping.

Dissociation.

Maybe if I could keep my thoughts from bleeding out of my head I could make better sense of this.

I am hemorrhaging distraction.

The last thing I would ever want is to fade away because of something I could have prevented.

I don’t even know what life would be like if I couldn’t keep myself safe.

What does safe even look like anymore?

Why don’t I know? Why can’t I find it?

Why is it always changing?

Why do I have to change?

Why?

I can’t.

I’m trying to piece together the part where I have it all together but everything keeps falling apart. It’s like a puzzle and the image just doesn’t exist. I’m just trying to match the sides. I can’t even see the colors. I just feel the fear.

Starting over and over again. I’m not addicted to the beginning. I want to know what’s next. I want more. But I’m stuck. I’m stuck inside of my head and it’s like a cage for my thoughts. I can’t get out.

I can’t believe I’ve trapped myself.

I can’t tell if they’re clinging onto me or if I’m clinging onto them most days.

I think the hardest part about letting go is that sometimes you have to let go of the good things too.

And I’m not ready yet.