Keeping it Clean

Keeping it Clean

by Kimmie Lay

I remember waking up. I remember the look I gave myself in the mirror. I couldn't see myself. 

Who am I? Where am I? How did I get here? 

I think there was a point in my life where I thought I could make things the way they should be. And "the way things should be" would be the answer to everything. How could I get it wrong? I had all the answers.

If I had the perfect partner with the perfect job and perfect life, that would mean everything would be perfect. No problems. None. Nada. 

Jk. What did I just do? Can someone please tell me how I got here? Hello? Being stuck at the bottom of the well of my thoughts in my own life really had me thinking. 

I think I robbed myself of really living. I thought that giving myself everything society told me that I wanted actually meant robbing myself of what I needed.

There's a part of my life that's never going to be clean cut. I felt like even when I tried it just got messier. But there was nothing clean about climbing up the well of thoughts I had built around myself.

But maybe the mess is okay. Maybe what I thought was chaos was just prolonged moments of the unknown waiting to show itself to me. 

Maybe I was just too impatient to wait. Who wants to look into the unknown when you know everything? Why wait when you have all the answers? 

So maybe life isn't a perfectly printed manuscript with planned perfect moments and a planned happy ending. Maybe it's unexpected and a little raw and it makes you cry sometimes. Maybe if I let it, it could change my life. Or maybe it's a mess but it's enough. 

This is enough. I am enough.